No perceptible slowdown

Posted by Pierre Igot in: Writing
March 25th, 2003 • 5:18 pm

No pills in almost two months. Then two pills in the space of three little days. Definitely the nastiest “flare” in a long, long time… Why? Where does it come from? Where does it go? What causes it? What causes it to subside? I just don’t know. Springtime is here. Temperatures are milder. (Cat) love is in the air. C. is HAVING her period, but surely that cannot be it. Otherwise it would mean that there is some very fancy chemistry involved. It would require serious investigation. It’s not going to happen, so let’s leave it at that. Let’s go back to the issue at hand, which is an unacceptable level of relentless, debilitating pain.

Since it comes in waves of varying degrees of intensity, I’m still more or less able to function as if everything was “normal”. (Things are never really normal. They are mostly less abnormal, with the occasional bout of significantly greater levels of abnormality.) I’m still spewing out words, ideas, concepts, arguments. Emotions have to take a back seat, however. There is just no way that this weakened frame enduring repeated assaults of pulsating pain can genuinely be moved by anything in the outside world. Outside things can, at best, be recorded for later, more serene consumption.

All in all, things look and sound the same. (This has been part of the problem from day one: the lack of physical traces, of observable evidence.)

The ultimate question, all things considered, is: how to accept this seemingly absurd situation. Do the periods of relative relief make up for the agonizing experience of the flares? Is it a relationship of interference or complementarity? Will I ever know? Will I ever be able, in the face of the actual experience, to make up my mind?

It’s just a question. I need to fix it before it ceases to overwhelm me again. I need materials for the reconstruction — and the fight.

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